Lamprey Pie

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I am sure you all have been reading Game of Thrones like it is your job, unless you are Jane Johnson whose job it is (screw you Jane, getting paid to read that noise, why do you get to live the dream?). Maybe you have even been watching it on television because reading is too hard ( why hold paper in your hands when you can hold a TV remote?) you have come across the many feast scenes and then decided to go make a sandwich due to the mouthwatering deliciousness described over the course of two pages. If that sandwich filled you up, but you are trying to pack on that winter weight like one of those northern girls, then you have come to the right place; more descriptions of pie are coming your way.

Today, the lamprey pie is going to be analyzed so that you too can realize how important it is to take an everyday object like a parasitic vertebra and produce it in a crusted drum of complete and utter fluffy, juicy palatability. This goes out to all the ladies or other people practicing dickaphilia, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and if you are anything like some of the gold digging whores in Petyr Balish’s brothels trying to get up with the boss man himself, then lamprey pie is your way in.

First, as all Game of Thrones cooks have, you must attain at least sixty pounds of alive dog, preferably well-trained. This will act as your sous chef(s) and more importantly, garbage disposal. There are no waste services in Westeros and having poor people wait in your kitchen for scraps is just not practical, so forget them and get dogs; they are happy to sit behind you or under tables. Tell your sous chef(s), to sit behind you and if able to do so, and more hilariously, on stools. Dogs sitting on stools will quickly become one of your favorite things to see as they have difficulty getting up and down from them; also their hats will probably fall off, unless you tie them on like I do. You will probably not use the stools in the long run.

Next you will need to get your main ingredient for the pie. Here comes the hard part: you are going want to make a rectangular wire box (about 3’ X 2’ X 1’) covered in mesh, with a funnel entrance at one side and ideally a trap door on the other side. Set this in a slow moving part of the fresh water lake or river that you are fishing for about two hours at a time. In the meantime, you can roll around on the ground with your sous chef(s) telling them how they are such a good boy. This will be super fun because they will waggle their tail and be so easily excited, that it will infect you with excitement. They will try and lick you and you will think it is like they are kissing you, but (AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT) do not let them lick you, they use that tongue to clean their genitals, and you may have noticed, but they do not wear trousers, so usually their genitals are very dirty. You can let them lick you if you plan on cleaning yourself afterwards, which you probably will because you are fishing with stinky fishes. After two hours have passed, take the rectangular mesh box out of the water and check to see if any of these scary monsters are in your cage.

If there are any other creatures in there other than the pictured scary beasts, or any fish attached to these lampreys, then throw them at your sous chef(s), and see if they will eat them. You must watch them eat because this is nature at its best: animal eating animal. If they do not like any of the fish or crabs that you have accidentally caught, you may bring them home for the poor people who hang around your neighborhood, but remember sous chef gets first dibs because he is such a good boy. If you can’t be bothered to fish lampreys in the traditional way because you are lazy or don’t live near water, then I guess you could go to an Asian butchers: they got everything there, and I mean everything. One time I bought snake meat at one and I was in Ireland, where Saint Patrick destroyed all the snakes with his mighty saint powers, so how did they even get snake meat there and how many snakes did it take to make the pound of snake meat that I bought? These are questions that will never be answered because I did not go back.

The lampreys will need a little preparing. You will need to cut off their head and tails, also making an incision down their back to pull out all that “black string.” Promptly throw all of this over your shoulder, your sous chef(s) will be waiting with waggley tails for their first job.  After the monstrosities that are lampreys are dried out, you will want to cut them up into inch length pieces and spice them with nutmeg, black pepper, and salt. A bit of cayenne pepper would not go a miss here, nor would a bit of clove, and for the really ambitious, hold back on the salt, and dice up some onions now, but keep your eyes really close to your work station. This will produce salt water from your eyes, not any old salt water, but tears. Bottle these and pour on lamprey before all the other seasoning. This will help flavor the lampreys with salt and sadness, which is scrumptious. Eating sadness will imbue with great memories of what you had to go through to prepare this pie, unless you are serving this pie to someone else, and when they eat your tears, it will be super yummy. You can then let these seasoned eels simmer in a pot of water for the time being.

Creating the dough for pie is very easy. Using a cup of flour, tablespoon of sugar and salt, 6 tablespoons of butter, and 4 tablespoons of water, you mix all these things up in chronological order in a large bowl. To the untrained eye, (i.e. you and probably your sous chef) this will look very doughy. This is due to the fact that you have to let it rest for an hour or more in a cool area of your house (suggestion: refrigerator) so that the dough can relax, kick up its feet, watch some TV, and crack a beer for a while. The end of the last sentence is meant to be figuratively.  While the dough is chilling (that is figurative and literal *smiley face*) you can get to chopping up three large carrots, two potatoes, some broccoli, and a little garlic. You will have extra bits of vegetables that are not good for cooking like the stem of the broccoli or the end of the carrot, but throw this over your shoulder so your sous chef(s) can get all up on it and remember to shout good boy when you did this. Next using some of your best oil, fry all those vegetables and the eels up on low heat in large saucepan. Adding tons of lard or butter (choose lard it will help you grow bigger boobs/man boobs) to the mix and let that all simmer for a while. You can add bay leaf or parsley or pretty much any flavoring that you think is a good idea at this point. Couple of spoons of syrup never hurt anyone, nor did adding some kind of stock from a previous cooking attempt from the night before. I like to add in a bit of diced up bacon fat here because bacon. Maybe add in regular bacon meat too. On that note, maybe get different kinds of bacon to add in.

Finally, you are in the homestretch, you roll out your dough into two 9 inch diameter circles, put one in the bottom of a bake-safe pie dish. Fill it up with your pie mix from the sauce pan. And cover it with the other dough circle; roll up the edges of the dough that hang over the side. Slice some slits into the top to help it steam. Pop that bad boy into your oven or brick oven at 425 F and after 15 minutes take it out and put it in your 350 F brick oven (or turn your temperature down on your oven) and cook until the top is golden brown.

You have completed the lamprey pie. You should receive an X-box achievement in the mail in 50 to 60 business days. Next thing to do after it has cooled, is to try a slice, realize you don’t like it, and then give the whole pie to your sous chef(s).


All these my head! I need to get them out!

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