Chocolate Frogs

CWD BannerChocolate frogs are one of the most notable sweets in the Harry Potter Series. They include many great attributes that children enjoy, such as collectable items, chocolate, mobility, and of course frogs. These chocolate frogs are come to life when unwrapped and hop around, which is as amusing as it is unhygienic.

Many of these candies must have jumped and squirmed about in very unsavory places such as puddles, being very common in Britain, and also vomit, also a common appearance in streets in Britain, as most of the public’s watering holes are within walking distance of their homes allowing for chundering  on promenades home. Chocolate frogs are meant for children, who do not have strong  sensorimotor skills, and will put things in their mouth regardless if the five second rule is valid or not.

Chocolate frogs are seen as early as Harry’s first Hogwarts train ride, where a dirty ginger shows him their brilliance. When he opens his first chocolate frog Harry discovers his soon to be favorite butt blaster: Albus Dumbledore. Albus is pictured on the collectable card smiling knowingly at Harry as if the magic picture knows that he will get to know this eleven year old intimately. This friendship was platonic because Dumbledore was only a homosexual, not a pedophile.

This non-pedophile kept a phoenix as a pet, which shows that a pet is very much like its owners, and in this case, flaming. This fire bird is named Fawkes named after Guy Fawkes, who is burned as an effigy on Guy Fawkes day every year because that is the best way to celebrate the death of a criminal. Dumbledore is only one of the many people to be pictured on these cards, but his card is the only one that becomes a plot element within the story of Harry Potter. Nicholas Flamel is mentioned on Dumbledore’s card because they worked together on a pretty cool alchemist project. This project was none other than the Philosopher’s Stone or, for the American reader, the Sorcerer’s Stone. This foreshadows the first book sufficiently, but only for the second loop of the book. If it was not for this card that came with his delicious treat, hopefully, the series would have only lasted a single book, finishing with Voldemort-Quirrel Hybrid murdering a bunch of people including Harry. This would have been an exciting book and even better movie, as a two faced monster successfully killing children seems like a great horror film. This Quildemort would eventually rise to power, bringing his Death Eaters into the fold again, and more importantly, he would live forever due to the powers of the Philosopher’s stone.  The world would worship him as a god and he would solve the overpopulation problem and in turn all of the environmental problems of the world by committing genocide on all the muggles.

Captain Planet would have been proud.

Also he would have purified the human race into purely magical beings, allowing for the first alien encounter to go very differently than Independence Day, making it so that the human race does not even need Will Smith-styled antics. Unfortunately this did not happen; environmentally and alien encounteredally, we are still effed in the A.

Chocolate Frogs also showed how white chocolate sucks compared to milk chocolate. In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix video game, students are seen playing a game where they released many chocolate frogs and a few white chocolate frogs. The object of the game was to pick up as many chocolate frogs as possible, but to avoid the white chocolate frogs. This may only be a game, but it is also seen how white chocolate is singled out as the bad chocolate. White chocolate is actually easier to make as the cocoa solids are filtered out, but in regular chocolate the cocoa solids must be recombined later. In these cocoa solids, thiamine is present, which is a chemical that makes the consumer feel happy, thus removing it makes white chocolate not taste as good. Anyone that says that they prefer white chocolate to milk chocolate is just a cold faced liar, as this nice video game incredibly and subtly implies.

Perhaps one of the most important aspects of this candy is its animal shape: the frog. Frogs have always been a great animal for children because they are fun to catch and they are squooshy, as many baseball players may know. It may not be as delightful as a frog, but Trevor the Toad, the pet of Neville Longbottom, is described throughout the first six books as always being hilariously hard to catch for Neville, who was fat as a child. This imagery can be applied to the chocolate frogs because Trevor and his shenanigans throughout the books were always fun filled, like the first time he got lost in the series. Somehow Trevor was lost on the Hogwarts Express in the first book, but later was discovered by Hagrid in the boats the first years embarked upon to the school. This implies that the toad was able to hop from the trains, avoid the “horse-less carriages,” and make it into a boat all on its own. This helped the theory that Trevor was actually an Animagus, which is a human transformed into an animal like Sirius Black who became a big black dog. Unfortunately, J.K. Rowling hates fun and said this was not true as she imaged Trevor as an ordinary toad, but on the Sirius Black note, he is pictured here, trying to rid the world of dirty gingers. Dogs are super fun if you train them to be racist.

These days you can purchase non magical chocolate frogs. They do not hop nor jump, but they are made of chocolate. Also their collectable cards do not have magical pictures that smile at you as if you are an eleven year old boy. This seems very disappointing, but I bought some to find out what they were like. First off, they tasted like any American chocolate, which is a hint of sour milk because unfortunately American chocolate is not made with fresh milk like British chocolate, so their first check of authenticity was a failure. Secondly, I had to let it melt a bit because it was rock hard and quite thick, and after reviewing some Harry Potter books, I realized that Harry bites the head off one easily in the Prisoner of Azkaban, when given a frog by Lupin during Patronus practice. This too was a failure because even after melting time, I still had to gnaw my way into its brain cavity. Finally, every frog that I received had four cards in it; the four cards were of the four heads of houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw. This was the worst part because even though they could settled for just a hologram picture and I did not expect magic to move them, they could have at least made collectable cards, rather than handing out the same four with every frog. All in all, I would suggest in not buying these as they did not please me and if your main goal is pleasing me, then it won’t work.


All these my head! I need to get them out!

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