I am going to start with this week with a forward. This forward is being that I am probably the only one that will read this that plays StarCraft and be the only one that gets my own references. So pulling Jimmy Fallon from Saturday Night Live past, I will laugh at my own jokes and enjoy them thoroughly because at the end of the day I don’t get paid for this, and do it for my own enjoyment, so screw the reader. But at least compared to you other gamers out there, I play a game with million dollar earning professionals with a plethora of South Korean groupies, so at least I am learning life skills, while you just learn how to dota or counterstrike or whatever you people do.
That being stated, I’ve got to say after playing StarCraft since 1998, I have always wondered what a zergling tasted like. I always imagined it similar to KFC chicken without any crunchy skin, but this is because the zergling is sopping with grease or goo, depending on your imagination. Obviously chicken is like this as well before you bread it with a crunch skin, so I suppose if you mix your flour, pepper, cayenne, and your other spices into a mix and shake the zergling meat in a plastic bag, and then dip that into a buttermilk egg mixture, and then shook it in your floury spice mix again, and then fried it or baked it.; then yes it would be exactly like KFC chicken. To be honest, it would be closer to Church’s fried chicken, but that is only in the south of America and I doubt too many of you readers are from there because not too many people from the south can read.
Pictured here is the cutest zergling I have ever seen, I just want to squeeze it tight; yet I still want to eat it. Is it because of the seven appendages that look like they would fry up so quick that you would be eating chicken in less than ten minutes? Probably, but I will not that define the zergling as the finest meat around because that attribute comes from its spawning phase. Every zergling is a twin. You heard me right, a twin. They get born two at a time so that way the zergling is never alone in the world from birth to death. I could not count the amount of times I wish I had a twin to high five and to just be all around amazing with, but I can count the maximum amount of zerglings I can have, which is four hundred. All these zerglings would be linked together due to their hive mind, but also have a special bond with one of its identical kin. I find that to be the sweetest thing I have ever did hear. They also happen to be fast as lightning so fast that if you are trying to kill one of these delightful creatures in an open area, you will never be able to catch it.
This is where the term to ‘zerg rush’ something comes from. If you are unfamiliar with this term, it can be defined as to very quickly attack your opponent with overwhelming numbers and speed. Sometimes it is even shortened to just zerging something. One can ‘zerg rush’ basically anything, from having eight friends to eat a singular pizza to having your sports team to go completely on offense, even your goalie joining in, to score from an unexpected shot. As a term, a zerg rush has spread its tendrils into all types of games and undertakings that if you tried to count them you would lose track, just as if you turned you and your sibling’s beds into bunk beds, your head would spin with the amount of activities that you would be able to do.
It is now time to learn about the zergling’s weakness so that one can catch this speedy little asshole. The natural enemy of a zergling is a wall. A wall will stop a zergling in its tracks as it would stop most things in its tracks, but more specifically it will stop a zergling because it may attack very quickly, but it does not pack a large punch. Even better if you can funnel them into an enclosed space like the Spartans did with the Persians, then you are all set and it will be like shooting fish in a barrel. If you have a strong enough attack you can kill multiple in one hit just as a shot gun would hit multiple fish in the same barrel. This is key because one will end up with multiple zerglings to harvest appendages to fry up, creating the most delicious part of the supper. I do not believe the torso or the head would be too good for frying up as those parts of the body look incredibly bony. So I would suggest boiling these extraneous bits up in some water and wine to create a delicious stew, perhaps shaving some of the meat off of the under belly and legs to add to this soup. After that you would only need a couple onions, a few carrots, some broccoli, a potato, and noodles to get your stew on. Obviously to create this into a stew you would need a little milk or cream, but you can Google stew recipes on your own time.
By now, you are wondering why I am talking about eating some creature from a video game that you never have heard of being eaten before. Is my imagination running away with me and it took me fifteen years to get off my chest? Screw you, no. Since 1998 StarCraft , there have been things eating zerglings. Defilers, which are exactly as they sound some gross shit, have been consuming zerglings before you were even using a computer. Granted they do that for more energy to spread plague on you and your buildings or making a cloud of confusing orange dust, but they still be eating zerglings. These days, that job is only for infestors, who do similar shit, eating them for energy so that they can spawn little cancer mutant men with guns, but in both cases of the infestor and the defiler the zergling is the preferred choice. Sarah Kerrigan, Queen of Blades, ate them shits up too, almost all the time during the Brood War, but she has grown up a bit. Now that she was reunited with her lover one time, she took one for a pet, similar to a dog. Now when she cooks, she does her cooking with dog (oh my god the title in the article, FULL CIRCLE,) and she cares for them like her own children. If you are wondering who the Queen of Blades is, then just imagine her as a combination of superman and batman, but with a bonka donka ass and a nice pair of C cups. Even when she gets all zergified, and has bone wings and shit, I still wish she was my girlfriend.
Ain’t she lovely.